ICEBREAKER
‘Hello, my name is Jonah. Nice to meet everyone. One interesting fact about me is, um, I am afraid of monkeys. Chimps, to be exact. Uh, chimpanzees. Yeah. They terrify me. Like, definitely out of my comfort zone. Ha ha. I just don’t really like them. Just the thought of seeing one. I mean, it’s not like I would get scared if I saw a photo of one right now or, like, you yelled the word chimp at me. It’s the thought of being near one. And yeah, before you ask, yeah, I have been in a room with one before, like, close to one. So I am not just, like, catastrophizing or imagining the experience being a terrifying one. No, it really is. I really, like, can’t be around them. I’m not sure what it is. I always think of the word masticating when I see one, a chimp, that is. I just think of the bit of teeth that connects to their gums and then I follow it down and that tooth is sharp. And I think they could eat me if they wanted. And that scares me. And then I think they probably do want to. I mean, how do we know that they don’t? We don’t know that they don’t. That’s the whole thing. It’s this little person, in a way. Except, not little, and not a person. Like, they have thumbs, right? And they’re, like, way stronger than us. In every way. In. Every. Way. But they can’t be reasoned with. You can’t talk one down. You can’t tell a chimp to put that knife down or to stop eating you. It doesn’t care. It’s a fucking chimp. It’s going to do what it wants. So, yeah, that’s why I’m so afraid of them. If one wanted to kill me, it could and it would and that’s the whole problem. I guess I just don’t like feeling helpless. And I’ve had people, like, say, like, how some chimps can be communicated with. But, that’s not at the level I mean, though. Like, maybe one chimp can understand sign language for food but it doesn’t have morals, you know? If it’s coming at me, it’s coming at me. I’m, like, dead already. Maybe it can tell I’m afraid too? I think about that. Maybe that’s why it’s so aggressive. It senses my, like, fear. But why should I have to be the one to censor my feelings around it? It’s a fucking chimp. I shouldn’t have to be afraid to be around it. I am homo-sapient. I am man. But I don’t, like, feel that way all the time. Am I less than man? Is that possible? To be, like, less than you are the very definition of? I think about that sometimes. Because I treat chimps, like, more than they are the definition of. I treat them like they’re a force of nature. A thing to be reckoned with. I think about them sometimes as though they were everything wrong with my life. This thing. And it, like, scares the hell out of me. Because sometimes I’m walking down the street or an alleyway and I think what if an angry chimpanzee is around the next turn? But I mean, I’m not actually, like, thinking that’s a real scenario. I’m just afraid it might be. And I know that I am making up a ridiculous situation, but, I can’t shake the feeling. So I tense up. My muscles tense up. My whole fucking body shakes and the only thing I can think about is holy shit a monkey with a knife is coming for me and it’s going to kill me. Now, like, where did I get that idea from? I mean, I haven’t even seen a single monkey today? But I was afraid at the idea of thinking of seeing one. That’s what I mean when I say, like, that they’re a force. It’s this permanent thing in my brain. It’s not the chimp. It’s the idea of the chimp and I hate it. I hate it so much. I can’t stand the thought of it. So sometimes I don’t go out. I mean it, I, like, will stay inside because I’m afraid of there being chimps with knives or guns or whatever outside but that doesn’t even make sense and then sometimes, just sometimes, I will stay in and still be afraid that chimps will come into my home and kill or bite me or, like, eat me there. Which is impossible. I know it is. Well, maybe it’s not impossible. But it’s not, like, a genuine enough possibility to lose sleep over. But I do lose sleep. I lose so much sleep. I lose dreams of sleep. And sometimes I hear what I think is, like, chimp noises out of my window. But I mean, that doesn’t make sense either. Or sometimes I hear metal clattering on the ground and I think oh no a chimp just dropped its knife but that doesn’t make sense. I still look out my window to check though. Just to check. It never is a chimp with a knife, though. It never is. When am I going to learn that? When am I going to not look out that window? It doesn’t make any sense and yet I always do it. I always look out that window and it’s never a chimp with a knife. Never ever. Anyways, it’s nice to meet you all.’
‘Hey everyone my name is Abby and one interesting thing about me is that over the summer my family and I went on a cruise to Alaska and we saw a big blue whale.’