AN UPDATE:
After a month-long hiatus, Real Stories is back (with my fakest story yet?). Over the last month, I’ve been deep in round one of production on my upcoming feature film, Frogtown. A small crew and I ventured down to Florida to film half of the picture, which we are enormously excited to share more about soon. The movie is shaping up to be something in between heartfelt and weird, which is just where I always hoped it would land. Stay tuned this coming Sunday for a Frogtown tease. For now, enjoy a peak behind the scenes below.
- Costa Karalis
Pictured: Our crew interviewing children about growing up in the Panhandle.
Thanks, and now back to your regularly scheduled programming:
FIRST CONTACT PROTOCOL
‘Let’s suppose, for the sake of this lecture, that aliens do, in fact, exist. I suspect that if you’ve taken this class you share my belief that they do, but I’d like for everyone to be on the same page before I get too far into my argument. Is everyone on board? Good.
‘Let’s also suppose these space aliens, let’s call them Spacaliens, are on their way to Earth right now. We don’t know what they look like and we don’t know from what sort of environment they come. It is important then that when first contact is eventually made, the human point of contact must be prepared to meet a Spacalien of any biology type and have an array of habitats available to make a Spacalien comfortable. Humanity must have such environments readily available and a representative selected and trained to best ensure that our first contact is a favorable one.
‘It is important then, as a group of potential first contact representatives, that you all familiarize yourselves with diverse alien biologizes to best prepare mentally for such contact.
‘Our university has already begun development on a state-of-the-art training program that will be created entirely in augmented reality and housed in the college’s AR lab, near the habitat biodomes.
‘I implore each of you to take advantage of this lab and the domes in your free time, as their use will prove instrumental to your future success as interstellar liaisons.
‘When completed, the first contact AR program will be able to simulate over fifty-trillion potential first contact scenarios. They range from the mundane to the absolutely jaw-droppingly odd. They feature a wide array of aliens as well. Some that look and act just like us and others that exist in higher dimensions than we can perceive. It is important that each of you explore all of these scenarios multiple, multiple times.
‘The domes are adaptable to a number of habitats but the primary forty biodomes are set to what we believe are the most common alien biomes. They range from water worlds to desert planets to everything in between. Each of them is crafted in meticulous detail and features full life-support systems that can sustain up to five thousand individuals for decades. This is, of course, assuming the Spacaliens are not too much larger than a pickup truck. We believe this to be the most likely size for aliens.
‘It is important for me to highlight that just because this is the most likely size for inter- (not intra-!) planetary visitors, it is not a guarantee that it is the size they will actually be. In fact, I have recently written a scenario for the First Contact AR program that outlines a situation in which the aliens are much smaller. A great deal smaller, indeed.
‘I personally believe our first contact will occur with a Spacalien scout. A creature that is perhaps already on our planet as we speak. This creature is sentient, but not too terribly intelligent. It was shot out of some Spacalien space elevator equivalent and did not have to have much agency over a craft to pilot its way to our blue dot.
‘No, I believe this agent has been sent to survey and report back, but doesn’t do too much independent decision-making or higher-level thinking. Perhaps this alien shares a similar biology to that of a Terran worm. I make this suggestion because I believe it is highly likely that the truck-sized aliens would have sent as small a scout as possible. Perhaps it is a shrunken and elongated version of one of the truck Spacealiens? Maybe it is a child? It could even be a subservient species that Spacealiens share their homeworld with.
‘Anyway, in the scenario, I have written that the Spacalien scout is a worm and it has somehow wormed its way into a woman’s handbag. I believe that it is highly likely that as a scout, this alien will seek out somewhere safe, warm, and shielded from the elements of this harsh, foreign environment. What better place to hide than a woman’s handbag?
‘Let’s also assume that the woman has some letters to mail out, as women often do. The Spacalien scout has now found itself unknowingly in line at a local post office. Now, this would be a very strange environment for any worm to be in, especially one from an entirely different galaxy, especially a shrunken down baby scout alien worm from a different galaxy. It must be very scared. When it is scared, I expect it will lash out.
‘Do not be mistaken class, I may have mentioned that we should not know what to expect when making first contact with aliens, but do not forget that aliens are not entirely unlike us: when they’re scared, they will lash out.
‘For this reason, I have written my simulation of the post office's first contact scenario to include a Spacalien worm that is quite upset at all the confusing aspects of human life happening around it. About five minutes into the program the worm will freak out and begin shaking violently. The woman will then check her handbag where she finds a terribly disgusting, putrid Spacalien worm. Much like the worm she too will lash out in fear and smash her bag against the cold tile of the post office several times until the Spacalien is dead.
‘This will trigger a wave of alarm and anger back at the Spacalien home world. They will send their galactic armada our way and wipe out every last man, woman, child, and Terran worm on this planet. Every time I run the scenario this is how it ends. Without fail. When I showed the Dean of the university a prototype of this terrible fate he immediately pushed forward funding for the First Contact Program, the biodomes, and encouraged the creation of this elective class.
‘Imagine if just one person trained in proper First Contact protocols were present in the post office in that scenario. That person could have brought the worm scout Spacalien to the proper biodome and established meaningful communications between our worlds that could usher in a golden age for humanity and the Spacaliens both.
‘This is just one of the fifty-trillion possible scenarios, but I believe it to be most likely. In fact, it may be happening in some post office around the world at this very moment. So get out there class! Go and save Spacaliens from the crushing hands of the unsuspecting. Bring them to our biodomes and cultivate a conversation with these intergalactic wonders! Although attendance is not mandatory, I do expect to see each of you in class all semester long because we are doing very important work here! The fate of the universe is in the hands of each of you!’