A New Story Preceded by an Update:
The Update: With my new feature film, Frogtown, in its early stages of post-production, I have found myself enormously busy clicking and dragging files between folders lately and have had little time to press keys with my fingers instead. Work on the film is going well, and there will come a time and space to show more of it eventually. But for now, please enjoy one of my favorite short stories as a ‘welcome back’ to these posts. Will they be back to bi-weekly regular publishing? Unlikely, though I’d like them to. Who knows? I sure don’t.
The New Story:
DISTINGUISHED ALUMNI
“Graduating Yalevard University is no easy task, doing so with honors is even more difficult and noteworthy. But just because a person has accomplished such a task does not mean that they are destined to do much of note or even that they will find much satisfaction in life at all as a matter of fact. Let’s examine one such person in a hypothetical sense. We’ll use me as an example, hypothetically of course. Let’s just say - and I’m really only telling you this as a cautionary tale or example that might be valuable to you at some point in your near future - let’s just call this a thinking exercise. Are you writing this down? You should be writing this down. I digress. So, in this hypothetical, in this exercise that we’re talking about, let’s say a person graduated from such a prestigious place with such prestigious honors some years ago. Let’s just say twenty-eight years ago. And there was a big party for this person. Because graduating with honors from Yalevard law is no easy task. Nothing to scoff at. Everybody knows this. So there’s a party and maybe at that party this hypothetical person’s entire family comes and maybe there’s a cake and their then-fiancée is actually really happy for once and possibly even their dad showed up and is smiling for maybe the first or second or third time in that person’s life, let’s say. Hypothetically, of course, this would be a good thing. A very good thing. It might even be the best thing to ever happen in that person’s life. You see where I’m going with this, Mindy? Don’t just nod your head. Say something. Speak up. Yalevard likes people who speak up.”
“Uh, yes, sir. I understand.”
“Good. So, let’s continue. So, uh, this person - they’re having a great time at their graduation party and everything is great but, you know, they think everything is only going to get better because that’s why they went to the damn Yalevard University in the first place. Why else spend all that money and time and energy and youth on something unless it was all going to pay off, like, tenfold in the future, right? But anyways, it doesn’t pay off. You start a career in a law firm but you find you don’t actually enjoy the profession so you stop putting in the extra hours after work. ‘You’ being this hypothetical person, of course. A person like that would stop moving up the ladder, you know? It’s very possible that a person like that would actually reach a plateau in their career before it ever had a chance to really take off properly. I’m speaking in a hypothetical sense, of course. Don’t give me that face, please. So yeah, this is all very upsetting to a person such like this. A person who used to have the copyright trade-marked Yalevard ‘go-gettum’ attitude. Are you a go-getter, Mindy? Don’t answer that right now. Never seem too eager. So, back to the hypothetical story. It’s very possible that this person would lose their job a few years after they decided to just start phoning in the work they recently discovered they were so damn dispassionate about. Maybe their fiancée leaves them because that relationship also started to dry up recently. Maybe that person, despite the good grades and degree that came with honors, is actually slipping into a depression. It’s possible that this could happen to a person in this sort of scenario.”
“Mister Feehan, are you al-”
“Mindy, I’m talking. It’s rude to interrupt. So, this person is alone and can’t really afford their rent anymore. They have to move into a smaller apartment on the ground floor of a massive complex of people-boxes with far too few windows. And they tell themselves it’s temporary but they live there for over fifteen years. Hypothetically, they might even hate their upstairs neighbors more than they hate themselves, which is a lot to say about their capacity for hatred. But after a year or two their savings dry up and that job they once hated is hiring again so they muster up every ounce of courage they have to make themselves presentable and go back there and beg for their old job back. They have an honors degree from Yalevard, by-the-hypothetical-way. That’s important to remember. But guess what? They actually do it. Despite all odds they actually do it. They get the job but the job’s in the law firm mail room and then they blink and ten years have passed. Suddenly, they’re thirty-seven years old, working in the mail room for their father's fucking law firm. Hypothetical father’s hypothetical law firm, of course. They hate working there. It’s very reasonable that a person in such circumstances would hate working there. They do it anyways though. They do it for far longer than they wish they had. But after a decade of sorting mail they just can’t do it anymore. Anything is better than this. Their Yalevard brain is fried. So they quit and take all the money they saved and move across country to get as far from their hypothetical father as is hypothetically possible. That doesn’t even bring them any happiness either, though. It’s the same air, just in a different place. You see what I’m saying? Maybe it’s not just the air that’s the same, it’s also the life. This person couldn’t be blamed for falling into a vicious cycle of doing nothing every day and just living off their savings for years until those dry up again. Well, at least they have that sweet, sweet Yalevard degree, right? Let’s just say that it doesn’t do you much good when every interviewer you meet in this new town doesn’t call you back. Maybe you are ‘hard to work with’. You’ve heard that before. Hypothetically heard it, of course. So that person would take a job outside of law. They might even be the only person with an honors degree from Yalevard working at the WenDonald’s in town. And even though they promised themselves that was just temporary, they find that they are still working there to this day.”
“That’s awful.”
“That’s very kind of you to recognize. It could hypothetically get a lot worse though, Mindy. That’s also important for you to recognize. After all this disappointment, maybe Yalevard University gives this person a phone call a few months ago and it’s their alumni connection department on the other end or something. Hypothetically, they cannot believe that you live in such a small town now and they tell you that they have named you a ‘distinguished alumni’ and that they, and the entire university for that matter, is oh-so-very-proud of your achievements. They ask you to interview prospective applicants in and around town. After all, they want an alumni to vet these young up-and-coming bright high school minds. That person wouldn’t be blamed if they laughed at such a call. They also wouldn’t be blamed if their interest was peaked when they learned of the stipend they’d receive for every interview conducted. So this person interviews kids down at the DunkBucks Coffee every now and then between his shifts at the WenDonald’s across the street. Don’t look out the window, Mindy. This is a hypothetical. Anyways, let’s say that one of those kids he’s interviewing is hypothetically named Wendy or something.”
“Uh-”
“Let’s say she has her heart set on going to Yalevard. She’s bright and has good grades and does so many extra-curriculars that it’s all very, very impressive. Oh, and she volunteers around her community. She’s also a savant with the violin and the university is very interested in her application and she might have a very good chance of getting into said university. Would it not be that interviewer’s duty to warn such a bright young girl about the trap that is Yalevard University? Would it not be the older man’s job to ward the young away from such a poisonous place? A place filled with empty promises? I’d even argue that it would be that person’s job to make damn sure that bright kid doesn’t make the same mistake he did! You see what I mean? In the hypothetical this all makes sense, right? Anyways Mindy, what I’m trying to say is are you sure you want to apply to Yalevard University?”
“Oh. Yes, sir. It’s my dream to go there, truly.”
“Wrong answer, Mindy.”
“What? I thought that was a test or something. I’m sorry. Can I answer again?”
“Your misguided enthusiasm reminds me of a young me. I called Yalevard this morning and already recommended they reject your application.”
“But-”
“Don’t cry. I’m doing you a favor.”
—