ANT PROBLEM
“Okay, so here’s how you tackle your ant problem. Step one: disrupt. Chances are, if you, or a client, is experiencing an ant problem it is because you, or your client, have created an environment conducive of and welcoming to ants. You must disrupt this. As soon and as thoroughly as possible. Find their food source. Find the crevasse where they have made their homes, get in there, and uproot. That’s step two, by the way, but it also ties into step one. Disrupt and uproot. Two steps but they must be completed in tandem. If it’s easier maybe you could think of uproot as a sub-step to step one, disrupt. Because uprooting is a form of disrupting. In fact, it is the most important form of disruption. Removing the food source is important, yes, but nothing is more important than uprooting their home, the place the ants live. So, to recap, disrupt and uproot. After that, we have to make sure we identify. It is crucial, and I mean absolutely crucial that we identify the queen ant A-S-A-P. This could even come before the uproot step if you’d like. Maybe it should, actually. So, let’s do this, let’s do disrupt, identify, and then uproot because you don’t want to uproot unless you are damn certain you are uprooting the queen ant. Otherwise, the infestation could continue ad-infinitum. And we do not want that. Even though maybe some could argue that as exterminators we might want that. I mean if we do our job too well we’ll be out of a job. But no, I don’t think it’s morally correct or Christianly moral to leave behind the queen during the uproot step. That’s what makes the identify step important. Equally as important is the removal step. One might think this is the same as the uproot step but it is not. The removal step is the very important step of the process where what we’ve uprooted previously is removed from the premises. We do not, I repeat, do not, want to leave behind any traces of uprooted colonies or, God forbid, a stray queen ant. It’s just not good for PR. Speaking of PR, that brings me to the card step. Here’s where you give the client a copy of your business card. Do not, I repeat, do not, give them the original card. We will not issue you a new one. Just give them a copy of it. We have a copy machine here. You can make as many as you’d like. So, to recap, and to recapitulate, there are five very important stages to dealing with an ant infestation. You must commit them to memory if you hope to have a successful career as an exterminator. Those five stages include, but are not limited to, disrupt, identify, uproot, remove, and the ever-pertinent card stage. Now, the observant among you may have noticed I let slip that these stages are not always limited to just the five we’ve discussed so far. So, that begs the pressing question: are there more stages? Well, I’m glad you asked. The answer, the important answer, is yes. Of course, there are more than five stages. These just happen to be the five stages an exterminator will have to commit to memory when handling a standard ant infestation. But what about a colony of woodcutters? A household of carpenters? Fifty-thousand bullet-ants fresh off the boat from the Amazon? Hmm? What then? Let’s say you pull up the ol’ bug-mobile to a house call and find yourself face-to-face with a deep-rooted infestation of Jack-jumpers. I can tell you you don’t want to get caught with your pants off in a situation like that. That’s why you always bring a belt. And, friends, please let my words be your belt. There will come a day when you’ll thank me. I mean that. When you’re staring a formicinae in the eyes and it blinks before you, that’s when you’ll be glad you sat down and listened up. And if you do your listening well, you won’t break a sweat against any sort of ant, from fire to pharaoh. That’s my guar-ant-ee. I hope you enjoyed that because that’s the only joke you’ll be hearing from me all class long. Now, let’s take a look at the road ahead of us. Over the next twelve weeks, this course is going to go in-depth and over the top on the behavior of ants. You’ll learn how they think, where they shit, and everything in-between. When I’m done with you all you won’t just be the most-dialed exterminators in town, you’ll be capable of speciocide on a scale yet unseen and I’ll be damn proud to see it.”